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Opinion: The unspoken truth of the holidays with divorced parents

WSPNs+Katya+Luzarraga+navigates+the+highs+and+lows+of+the+holiday+season+for+children+of+divorced+parents.++
Katya Luzarraga
WSPN’s Katya Luzarraga navigates the highs and lows of the holiday season for children of divorced parents.

The holiday season is widely perceived to be the happiest time of the year for most children. The joy, the laughter and the presents. The novelty of Santa coming down the chimney while everyone is sound asleep in their beds, or staying up until the sun rose to see if you could catch Santa’s sleigh streak across the pitch black sky, enhanced the magic of our childhood.

But, what if your childhood didn’t have one of the most crucial aspects of this season: the two people who raised you? Whether your parents divorced at a young age, or you’re dealing with the conflict of a rocky family situation right now, it all makes the holidays lose their luster. The promise of both your parents looking down on you with smiles seems to dissipate as the holidays commence.

The excitement of two Christmases begins to wear off the moment the reality hits you that you’re leaving one parent behind. As you leave one parent’s house to go to another, you see them standing in the doorway, arms crossed tightly around their chest, waving goodbye with a sad smile on their face. Driving away feels like you’re leaving a part of your heart behind with them.

Longing for your parents to stop fighting is a craving that never leaves you. It’s the only thing that children of divorced parents write on their Christmas lists to Santa or wish on every fallen eyelash. The accusations and arguments whispered behind closed doors somehow creep their way into your head, and then all you can do is hope that it’ll stop.

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When it stops, there’s nothing left but silence. No matter how loud you play the Christmas music, how festive your house or how many presents are bought, after a while there’s no distracting yourself from the imperceivable notion that one of your parents is out there without you.

I used to think that if I had time to process and prepare myself for the split holidays and the awkward dinners, then it’d all be okay. My brother would be okay because he’d have me to look after him. I’d be okay. Now, as the Christmas tree in my living room glows brighter than ever and the holiday decorations cover every square inch of my house, this is the smallest and most insignificant I’ve ever felt. Holiday cards sent out with rosy cheeks and bright smiles saying, “Merry Everything” are a façade to the rest of the world saying: “Yup, we’re still keeping it together for the holidays.”

Parents try so hard to make the holidays an easy adjustment, but in all honesty it sucks. Looking back at all the holiday traditions you used to share: picking out the perfect tree while freezing your butts off, baking cookies, stringing holiday lights around the house. There is no UNO reverse card to make the nagging feeling in your stomach go away, it’s just a reminder that your life is completely turned upside down. You used to do all these things as one family, but now everything is divided into factions with competitions over “who gets to do what and when?”

There’s also the festive holiday tradition of packing your stuff for your mom’s or dad’s house the night before Christmas Day or New Year’s Day. Setting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, and then setting your backpack by the front door so you don’t forget it the next day when you switch houses is the new normal.

The difference between holidays with divorced parents when you’re younger and when you’re older is that you really realize and comprehend what’s going on. The younger you are, the more magical it feels. You get to have two Christmases and go on mini road trips to see both sides of the family. Mommy and Daddy are just on a vacation from each other and there’s no fighting. What little kid wouldn’t love getting double the amount of presents and holiday cheer?

Growing up means getting the responsibility of choosing where you want to spend the holidays. It’s like a game show where the annoying animated clock ticks down the seconds, and you have to decide if you’d rather be guilty about missing holiday time with your mom or your dad. The guilt of the holidays as a child of divorced parents is insurmountable. You can’t make a decision without knowing that you’ve struck away a tiny part of the relationship that you built with that parent since you were born.

There’s this moment of doubt where, in the midst of all the despair and difficulty, you wished you’d endured the fighting just a little bit longer. It’s not worth it though, the pain your parents went through trying to stuff down their emotions for the benefit of your happiness. You’ll feel the pain and you’ll see it. It’s okay that things aren’t the same as they were before.

The holidays hurt in a way that leaves you vulnerable and sore. You see all these families coming together as one to celebrate the season and family traditions, and it’s excruciating. To know that you once had that, where everyone talked and laughed together as a family, and then watched it be ripped right out of your grasp is painful. It is getting the wind knocked out of you type of pain.

With time, the holidays will get easier. You’ll build new traditions and get used to the separation by finding the silver linings. You’ll watch sappy Christmas movies with your mom as she scoffs at every obvious Hallmark plot, and you will open Christmas presents on Christmas Day as the house fills with the aroma of brewing coffee while your dad takes candid pictures.

All in all, there’s never going to be a day where I don’t wish that my parents were together and happy. Holidays with divorced parents will always be difficult and heart-wrenching, and no amount of holiday treats, Christmas lights or material gifts will make up for that. I guess all there is to hold onto is taking comfort in the fact you’re not alone.

This story was originally published on Wayland Student Press on December 21, 2021.