ISIS stopped by BCPSOne card checkpoint


Wallstreethotrod via Wikimedia

By Finn Hasson

On the night of March 8, the BCPSOne Card scored its first victory in what is sure to be a long, illustrious career. Thirteen armed ISIS fighters approached the school with diabolical intent, but were stymied by the staunch new security system.

Security cameras show the group approach the building in a white pickup truck flying the ISIS flag, firing assault rifles into the air. The terrorists, however, were unable to figure out a way to get past the front door. The leader of the group stroked his beard pensively before shrugging and getting back into his truck.

Fortunately for the good people of Dulaney, none of the terrorist force had been issued a BCPSOne card. The group was later apprehended after being identified as a potential threat to public safety when getting gas at a local Exxon station.

“I thought nothing could stand in the way of our righteous jihad, but I had never been trained in dealing with high school security systems,” one of the apprehended group told detectives said during a police interrogation.

The swipe system is being hailed as a stunning breakthrough in security technology, and the CIA is said to have requested a similar system for installation in their Langley headquarters.

The Ukrainian army has also employed the security system along checkpoints in their country and are reporting successes in stopping the Russian advance.